To the YOUNGER me,

AND

To the younger you, or the now you, or the future you,

I want to let you know, your life is about to take a drastic turn. 

You are going to feel like a ship that has been shipwrecked on a deserted island.

You will feel overwhelmed, under qualified, inadequate, insufficient, unaccomplished, and alone.

BUT I want to let you in on a secret that you already know but you will forget. 

You are resilient!!!

You are the perfect parent for your child!!!

Please learn to forgive yourself.

There is going to be a day when you go to the OBGYN for an appointment and your little ManCub is going to scream and cry so much and so loud, the doctor and medical staff will refuse to see you. You will be angry with world and it’s creator. You will sit in the waiting room hiding your tears while rocking your son to some sense of calmness . You are going to want to give up; give up on yourself, on your baby, on your family & friends, give up on living, and even give up on God. But I want you to know that when that moment happens you will make it passed that moment. You will walk to your car. You will make it home safe. You will wake up the next morning with new strengths.

Please give yourself permission to not always be ok.

To the NOW me / you

You have had leaps and bounds of successes. You have overcome so much. 

However, there will come a time when you question everything you have thus far. You will encounter thoughts and feelings that will shake your very existence. Did you make the right decisions? Did you make the right choices? Did you make matters worse? Did you shelter too much? Were your expectations unrealistic?

You’re going to walk away from a building where you are forced to leave your ManCub at the mercy of this cruel world. You will wonder if you’re doing the right thing or making matters worse. You will feel the weight of his world on your shoulders. You won’t be strong enough to keep it together. Your heartache will bring you to your knees and leave you without enough air in you lungs. You will feel helpless and will recognize blind spots you didn’t know existed.

Please remember you did the best you could with what you had and with what you knew. 

Please be proud of all you have accomplished thus far, let go of all that you cannot control and all your errors.

To the future me / you

BREATHE

You have done a great work!!!

Close your eyes

Feel the air as you inhale and exhale

Listen to the sound of the wind

Breathe 

YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB!!! Take a moment to look at the past. Look at how far you have come.

You are resilient!!!

You have been the perfect parent for your child all along!!!

Shoulders back

Chin up

Time to face another day

You got this!!!

5/9/2019

Today was an awesome day.

Silent Hope is a community outreach program which has events and programs in place to educate some, inform others, and connect with all in the common goal to “communicate effectively.”

We work with the

Deaf/hard of hearing community,

Autism families

Children and babies with developmental delays

Christian community

Down syndrome

And many others

In growing SH, my opportunities to interpret in the community have been minimal these past few months. I definitely miss it!!!

Today I worked with Commissioner Tony Ortiz and his AMAZING staff, not as an interpreter but as a partner in community initiatives. During my visit at City Hall I was privileged to witness a historical moment for the Communication Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing, CCDHH. The CCDHH received the official proclamation for the National ASL Day in the City of Orlando. I was honored when asked by the commissioner to participate.

It takes a village.

This is my village

#silenthope

#campwesign

14 years later…

I made it… lol

Not only do I love him… I like him!!! I love being around him… I’m stronger because of him… my career has evolved and soared because of him… we laugh so much together… he has taught me and shown me how to be a better person… shown me that with perseverance comes more struggles AND growth…
The most impressive lessons I have learned are
“success” looks different to everyone
Our success was different than the pediatricians definition of success. The teachers. The family members. The friends. AND the church’s definition. Our success were celebrated EVERY TIME… he finally started eating solid foods without gagging, who cares that he was 3yrs old, or peanut butter when he was 12. It’s a big deal that he finally kissed me, so what he was 4 years old!
I also learned that I had to be the driving force in my son’s changes, growth, development.

Often times we rely on outside sources to help us reach change or even inner peace. I was hoping that the pediatrician, neurologists, teachers, occupational therapist, my family, friends, and even the other parent would be the one to help cause change. I learned that the skills and talents God has placed within me were EXACTLY what Genesis needed. Most importantly I needed to believe, love, and LIKE myself enough to trust I could overcome this current state I found myself in.

I learned that change is caused by a lifestyle change not by a therapy session three times a week. Or by going to a church service. Or a one hour session at the counselors office. All those factors ARE crucial, important, and needed. But the strategies those resources taught me had to be implemented ALL DAY EVERYDAY by ME!!!
We have become a fast pace easy fix society, “Take two of these and call me in the morning” There is always medication that can fix my situation. There is some type of therapy and/or therapist that can make it all go away or make it better.
WHAT IF… the independent variable of my mental state and physical situation is ME?!?!?!?
I was so busy trying to improve the quality of life for me kid just so that I can have sanity lol (don’t judge me lol)
I think one of the biggest errors we do as parents is that we forget to live… we are content with existing.
This is an area I’m still learning to improve on. It’s a life journey.
Step one is to accept and acknowledge our humanity, our imperfections, our feelings… Let’s own our feelings and thoughts. We’re afraid of being judged. We’re afraid what we show in social media isn’t what we live or genuinely feel when the lights are off and no one is looking.

Yes I’m an overworked mom

Yes I’m not happy with all my responsibilities

Yes I’ve gained weight

Yes my personal social life is BORING or nonexistent

Yes I didn’t have patience with my kid today

Yes I wanted to give up

Yes I hate that I’m doing this alone

Yes I’m tired

Yes I’m wearing the same clothes for the past few years (thanks Facebook for the reminder)

Yes most of my friends have disappeared into the abyss of life

Yes I have failed at 1,000,000 things

Yes I hate my circumstance

However, I will not be paralyzed by my thoughts. Face your true self!!! Like your true self… make modifications and adjustments… however giving up is NOT option. Open your mouth and be real and most importantly create your village. Stop being embarrassed that other will know you don’t have it all together. No one does!!! Even if their FB status says they do.
I like me.

I like my ManCub.

Always loved him!!!

Marilu

I think there is nothing extraordinary about me.
I’m just another person striving to be the best me and the best mom I could be. I have tons of problems and issues. I’ve had many failures, made lots of mistakes, and too many wrong decisions. As vocal and opinionated as I am, I lived in a dark lonely place for a long time.

“You’re such a good mom”
“You’re so smart”
“You are successful”
“You’re such a hard worker”
Etc

If they only knew what was running through my mind…

I struggle with cliches and words of encouragement when times are tough!!! Ironic I know!

Can’t someone just sit there and just breath next to me?!?!?

I want to be angry.
I want to hate my situation.
I want to feel disappointed.
I want to feel sad
I want answers
I want explanations
I feel
Lost
Confused
Alone
Scared
Terrified
Anxious
Guilty
Embarrassed
Bitter
I FEEL STUCK

I LOVE HIM!
But I don’t like him.

Enter the world of LOUD silence.

A place where no one knows you’ve lost hope on family, friends, peers, society, yourself, even in God!!!

Welcome to the world where everyone knows more than you yet no one understands! No one knows you enough to sit next to you and just breath. IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT

WELCOME TO THE BEGINNING OF SILENT HOPE

#thebeginning